Every journey carries its storms, and today, I invite you into the heart of mine. My name is Serena and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant after the full-term stillbirth of my son, Christopher Jonathan. Christopher is by no means a storm, but losing him felt like my husband and I were in the middle of a tumultuous hurricane that we could not escape from. Navigating the emotions that follow a loss as profound as ours is a road less spoken about. And so in today's episode, I share the signs that connect us to our sweet Christopher in the hopes of helping you feel connected to your Angel baby/babies throughout your current pregnancy. We'll end the episode with an overview about preparing for ultrasounds, something that has caused me much anxiety these past couple of months. Join me as we honour our Angels while courageously opening our hearts once more.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so that you can follow along throughout your pregnancy journey.
Instagram: @still.hopeful_podcast
Website: https://stillhopeful.buzzsprout.com/
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*This podcast is intended as a heartfelt discussion around topics related to pregnancy after loss. If you have any questions or concerns relating to your physical health and mental health, please contact your healthcare provider.
Every journey carries its storms, and today, I invite you into the heart of mine. My name is Serena and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant after the full-term stillbirth of my son, Christopher Jonathan. Christopher is by no means a storm, but losing him felt like my husband and I were in the middle of a tumultuous hurricane that we could not escape from. Navigating the emotions that follow a loss as profound as ours is a road less spoken about. And so in today's episode, I share the signs that connect us to our sweet Christopher in the hopes of helping you feel connected to your Angel baby/babies throughout your current pregnancy. We'll end the episode with an overview about preparing for ultrasounds, something that has caused me much anxiety these past couple of months. Join me as we honour our Angels while courageously opening our hearts once more.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so that you can follow along throughout your pregnancy journey.
Instagram: @still.hopeful_podcast
Website: https://stillhopeful.buzzsprout.com/
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*This podcast is intended as a heartfelt discussion around topics related to pregnancy after loss. If you have any questions or concerns relating to your physical health and mental health, please contact your healthcare provider.
Welcome to the Still Hopeful Podcast. Navigating pregnancy after loss can be isolating, and something I learned very early on in my rainbow pregnancy is that we all need a pow, pow, a pregnancy after loss pow, and I'll be that for you. My name is Serena and my firstborn, my sweet Christopher Jonathan, was stillborn at 38 weeks. I created this podcast as a come with me, let's figure this out together, kind of deal. We're going to cry, we're going to laugh and we're going to honor our angel babies and their siblings. Join me week by week in your pregnancy and let's figure this all out together as we navigate pregnancy after loss. Hey mamas, welcome back On this podcast episode. I'd like to introduce myself a bit more in more detail than what I shared already in the trailer, and specifically I wanted to. I want to talk about my first baby, my sweet Christopher, who would be about 16 months right now, at time, at the time of this recording. I'm also three months pregnant, which I'm so grateful to be able to say, because for a very long time I didn't know if I'd ever be able to say that again, and I'm really, really excited that we've passed the 12 week mark and baby is growing well and things are looking good. The anxiety is still there and I'll definitely talk about that in future episodes Spirals, emotions, anxieties, ultrasounds, doctor's appointments, all of that stuff. I'll definitely's his story. That has inspired me to make this podcast as we go through pregnancy after loss now, and so let's get started with that.
Speaker 1:First. My husband and I, michael and I, we've been together since we were 16. He came to my 16th birthday party, so I guess I was actually 15 and a half when we first met and we liked each other right away. We were going into grade 11. And the wild thing is is when we were in grade 11, I had first enrolled in all the sciences. You know when you pick your courses. I was enrolled in biochem, physics. Me and my best friend, who I'm sure I'll mention later on in other episodes. She's been such an amazing support through all of this.
Speaker 1:Jennifer and I, we decided to drop out of one of our science classes and move to another class because when we got the syllabus we thought, oh my gosh, this is way too heavy, way too much, not for us. Let's go to our guidance counselor and find another class. So when we went to our guidance counselor to change classes, he said that the only other option is parenting. That's the only other class available at the time, and so he said okay, we'll do that. That will actually help us boost our average. We're in grade 11. We're thinking about university down the line. Parenting could probably help us get our average, keep our average high.
Speaker 1:And so when I walked into the parenting class, who did I see? Well, it was Michael, and I already had a crush on him then and I was so excited that he was in the class and I remember telling Jennifer oh my gosh, michael's in the class. I'm gonna date him by the end of grade 11. Well, a couple months later we were dating and we've been together ever since, and I like sharing that story because I think it's so sweet how we actually um our our relationship started in parenting class back in high school and so fast forward all these years later. We established our careers, bought our house, got married, we did all the things that we set out to do and we were ready to grow our family. And when we got pregnant with Christopher, we were so excited. He was so planned, so wanted and so wished for and so loved already.
Speaker 1:My pregnancy was very smooth throughout it, though I definitely had anxiety that I passed off as first time mother jitters, fears. But I always was scared of losing him. And when I say losing him, I know in the first trimester, every time I peed I would check for blood. I was so scared of a miscarriage. Once I passed around the, once I started the second trimester, I wasn't scared of miscarriage anymore. I was now scared of stillbirth and I even told my midwives one day about that and I said, honestly, I'm having fears of stillbirth. Um, I don't know how common it is for them to get comments like that, um, but they reassured me that everything was looking good and honestly, at the time, everything was All his tests, all his ultrasounds, all my blood work, everything was looking good. He was measuring on target. Everything on paper was perfect.
Speaker 1:Fast forward to a couple months later, once I was in the third trimester, I would say maybe my fear of stillbirth went away a little bit. Now I was thinking once he's here, how am I going to keep him safe? How am I going to protect him? And I learned everything to do with safe sleep protocols. I remember I joined a Facebook group about safe sleep. I just didn't want anything happening where I could have prevented something. And so I learned all the all the rules about how long a baby can sleep in a car seat, how long could a baby sleep in a sleeper, what are the rules for bassinet use, what are the rules for crib use. I studied it all and I see now that was anxiety.
Speaker 1:At the time I thought I was simply being protective and learning about how to care for my baby and of course, we all want to care for our babies and we all do the work that's needed but the level and the extent that it was, it was my anxiety was so high I actually didn't hang anything over the crib Because in the safe sleep group it said you cannot guarantee that a piece of art will not fall. And I said, yeah, now you're absolutely right and I know in my mind that would be incredibly rare. We would install that art piece, whatever it would be, properly, and the chances of an art piece falling into the crib is incredibly, incredibly rare. And the chances of an art piece falling into the crib is incredibly, incredibly rare. Most people do have something above the crib, but that is how. That is the level of anxiety I had in the third trimester with Christopher, where there was nothing over his crib and I would never put anything on there. I was even going to do decals and I thought, no, what if a decal falls off the wall and lands on his face while he's sleeping? I, that is a level of anxiety. I'm happy to say I'm not feeling that anxiety right now.
Speaker 1:With baby number two, during this pregnancy I definitely felt that with Christopher and looking back now I wonder if, on some sort of level and this is going to make me cry if my soul knew my soul, my heart knew I wasn't going to have as much time with him and so I was doing anything I can to keep him safe, and I like to think I did. I kept him safe for as long as I could. He was always like all of our babies. They were always warm, they were always fed, they were always loved, they were taken care of. When they were in us, we gave them all the love, um, and that helped them grow as much as they could. And um, that's a huge part of Christopher's story is, I had a lot of anxiety that I brushed off as first time mom jitters, but looking back now and being pregnant again, I see it was a much more elevated level and now, sitting back and seeing Christopher's story unfold and having experienced what we experienced, I really do believe on some level my heart knew I would have to do everything I can to keep him safe. But he wasn't staying for as long as I would have been, as long as any mother would want right, as long as any mother would want right. We never want to outlive our babies, and that ties into once.
Speaker 1:Christopher was born. He was still born at 38 weeks. I went into the hospital at 38 weeks. I called in and said I was having a decrease in movement and I went into the hospital and got checked. And that's when our world came crashing down and my husband and I went into the hospital and got checked. And that's when our world came crashing down and my husband and I learned that Christopher's heart had stopped. We um went in through, we went through the induction of labor. Thankfully, everything went smoothly, as smoothly as it could under the worst of circumstances. It literally, literally felt like hell, um what we were going through, and I won't go into too much details right now about about Christopher's induction and the birth and how traumatizing that was. But what I will say is.
Speaker 1:Despite how terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible the situation was, I honestly did feel Christopher's presence.
Speaker 1:I felt a sense of calm, even before I got to see his little face. I felt a sense of calm and I started praying to him that night. I prayed to God every day during my pregnancy, but the day I found out he passed it was the first night I started praying to him and I talked to our priest who married us. He called us after hearing the news and he explained that all of our babies, they go straight to heaven and they automatically become angels because they never sinned, and that honestly meant so much to me. In fact, he said um, when god called christopher home. He listened because he's a good boy, and that makes me tear up all the time, because everyone wants um, everyone wants their child to be, you know, a good boy or a good girl, and you never think that is the context, because conversation is going in um. But I feel reassured and I truly believe Christopher is in heaven with all of our babies and I truly believe they're angels.
Speaker 1:And our priest said something that really comforted me and he babies are such innocent souls that when you pray to them, they can send their messages straight to God, and God listens to them. First, because they are such sweet, innocent souls that haven't sinned. And so, if you haven't already, or if you don't as often as you wish you did, consider praying to your babies tonight, pray to them at night, pray to them in the morning, during the day, and just say hey, honey, can you this is how I'm feeling Can you help mommy out with this? And not even necessarily asking baby for something, just letting them know you're thinking about them or praying for someone else, praying over a situation. I definitely rely on Christopher with that, and so that was right away at the hospital.
Speaker 1:I established that relationship thanks to the conversation I had with our priest when he called us, called us when, just before Christopher was born, something really interesting happened, and it's the sprinkler system went off in the birthing room in the birthing suite. I was in a bereavement birthing suite. Thankfully we had a suite that was a little separate from the other birthing areas. I'm very grateful our hospital had that. And all of a sudden, the sprinklers.
Speaker 1:We heard dripping throughout the day. We assumed it was a sink that was in the room. The nurses and doctors said they also heard a dripping. They assumed it was the shower. Well, we all assumed wrong and it was actually a corner sprinkler unit that was in the ceiling and it was dripping so much that when it came time to push, there was a huge puddle of water by the entrance to the room that the doctors said it would be unsafe to perform um, for for me to give birth in this room, for people to leave in and out of the room, there's just too much water on the floor.
Speaker 1:And the reason why I say this was so interesting is because that's my husband's trade. He works on the sprinkler systems and ceilings that release water when there's a fire, and, of course, there was no fire in that room. No one knows why that released water that day, but Michael and I definitely say that was one of the first signs we got from Christopher, that he's here with us and that he has a sense of humor and I have so many stories with signs of Christopher about his sense of humor and I would say that was his first one, his sense of humor, and I would say that was his first one. And so they actually wheeled me into another room and I gave birth within an hour after that and so I actually ended up having to give birth in a regular suite, since they only had one bereavement suite, and that really started my journey with fostering and continuing to foster relationship with Christopher even after his death, finding signs, um, that I truly believe are from him and that has helped me navigate a full-term stillbirth.
Speaker 1:Like, how do we survive that? I still don't know how I survived. I don't know how any of us survive the loss of our babies. When you really think about it, it is such a traumatic loss that no one should have to experience. And the fact that we've all experienced the loss of our babies and we're still here, I think angels are holding us up. I, that's the only way I can see it.
Speaker 1:In fact, on Christopher's funeral, we had a funeral and our priest came and did a beautiful ceremony for him at the cemetery, and Christopher is in a mausoleum in a Catholic cemetery where lots of our family members are on my side and on Michael's side, and um, I, I forget where I was going with this, uh about it the cemetery, um, my Christopher getting, uh, christopher having his ceremony, um, I honestly, um, oh, I know how do we survive the funeral of our babies? And I know, not all of us got to have funerals for our babies, but, um, for the ones that have. I don't know how we stood that day. I don't know how we got out of bed and got ready to go to the funeral For those who've had their babies cremated. I don't know how we got in the car to go pick up baby's ashes. I don't know how we do it.
Speaker 1:The only, the only solution I have, the only understanding I have, is that angels carried us, and that's what I would say. That's what I was saying at Christopher's funeral, um, a couple of days postpartum, in a dress with makeup on and grieving my son with all of our family, and when people would say I don't know how you're doing this, I would say I know I honestly, I'm only here because Christopher is holding me up, and so I'd like to think our babies are old, always holding us up, even as we approach a new pregnancy. I think they're continuously guiding us and I think it's important that we find signs that they're, that they're with us and they're cheering us on, and that they've they've never, they've never left us. Some signs from Christopher that I've received during my first year postpartum, after his stillbirth. I love sharing these stories and in fact it really lights me up. It makes me so happy to share them. And maybe signs aren't for everyone, maybe some people don't believe in them, maybe some people are against communicating with our loved ones in the past. If that's the case, maybe my content isn't for you, maybe it is. Um, I just know that it being open to signs from Christopher, being open to communicating with him, has honestly helped me so much in my healing journey, and so I'm going to go over a couple stories I have so many, but I'm going to go over a couple and hopefully these stories will give you some, some hope that you can foster if you haven't already fostered this relationship, this communication with your baby throughout your pregnancy, with your next baby, as a way of continuing your connection. And so I'm going to go over those stories now.
Speaker 1:All right, so the first sign we get a lot from our little Christopher is flickering lights. I had no idea this was a thing but about, I think a couple days or maybe a couple weeks after Christopher's birth, we had a family friend come drop off meals, which was really helpful in those early days and when she was dropping them off, the light in our entryway kept flickering and I didn't think anything of it. And she goes oh, your light's flickering. And I said, yeah, it just started randomly, I don't know why Never did before. And she goes oh, you never heard that's a loved one communicating with you, letting you know they're here. Oh really, I had no idea. I can't remember if I was spooked by it or not, but I definitely. After she left, I googled it to see if this was a thing, and it was. I remember telling Michael and going oh my gosh, michael, this is a thing.
Speaker 1:There's so many articles online about this, about how our loved ones can communicate by flickering lights, because their energy and they could interfere with the energy in the electrical system, and so we're like okay, well, I guess this is our way of communicating with our son, and so we we embraced it right away and the lights have not stopped flickering, and it's not just one light, it's anywhere we are, so it could be in our bedroom. I remember when, um, our amazing midwives, they would call and check in and see how we're doing Well, beyond the six week postpartum mark. They would check in on big milestones, like at the six month mark, three month mark. And I remember specifically one time our midwife called and I took the call and I was in our bedroom and while her and I are talking, our bedroom lights are flickering. They're just going off and on. Very gently I thought, oh my gosh, it's not just in the entryway, it could be at our kitchen table, it could be in the family room, it could be in any room in the house. In fact, it's gone beyond the walls of our house.
Speaker 1:I visited my pelvic floor specialist throughout my pregnancy with Christopher. I went to a pelvic floor uh therapist, um, I was terrified of birth and so I looked into pelvic floor therapy to help me prepare for birth, and she taught me about, um, how to like, almost breathe through your vagina, so to speak she worded in a much better way but how to help yourself loosen your muscles and what a contraction, how to prepare for contraction, how to ease through contraction we went over all that stuff throughout pregnancy and also how to strengthen my pelvic muscles throughout pregnancy and how to strengthen, um, um, uh, your glutes, like our glute muscles. It's all connected. And so I saw her throughout my pregnancy and then I wanted to see her postpartum and, of course, I had to share a Christopher story with her Um, and when I did the lights in her office and in her room, um started flickering.
Speaker 1:And she goes oh, that's weird, did you see that? Oh yeah, um, are you ready for something interesting? And she goes what, what do you mean? And I go well, have those lights ever flickered before? Did they flicker earlier? She goes no, never. I'm here all the time. They've never flickered. I've never seen that. I go okay, you might want to sit down for this, but I find when I talk about Christopher, it's not every time, but uh, there are times when I do and the lights start flickering wherever I am. It's always happened in her house is the first time it happened outside the house. She couldn't believe it. We both started crying and hugging and she's like I've never seen anything like this. But I'm not even scared, I'm just so, I just feel so much love and I'm like, yeah, he's definitely making himself known. And so that was, I think, maybe seven weeks postpartum, so so early on in um in her journey after losing Christopher, and it was really cool to see the lights flicker outside of our house. It's not like as if we have an electrical electrical problem at home we need to worry about. This is now happening outside of the house. It also happened on Christopher's first birthday.
Speaker 1:We went, uh, we took our family out for brunch and we all sat down at the table. We're all together, there's about 12 of us. We all sat around this big table at brunch and all of a sudden, the power goes out. And I'm not kidding you, the power went out in the restaurant. At least the lights did. I don't know about the kitchen, but the lights in the entire restaurant. It's not a huge restaurant, so we got to see that throughout the whole floor the lights went out and then they went back on and the waitress goes. Well, that was weird.
Speaker 1:And my dad, who's so scientific, for him everything's black or white, he doesn't understand that the lights could be flickering from a loved one who's passed. But he, that was the day he converted and changed and he goes Christopher's here and we all start laughing. I go see dad, you see what I mean. And he's like, yeah, I can't deny it, that is, that's Christopher. The lights went off in the entire restaurant and so Michael and I always joke like the guts this kid has to play with the lights at a restaurant. Like, okay, I get it at home, but at a restaurant. That that's taken to a whole other level. And, um, yeah, the lights are flickering in many places. Uh, over this past uh year and a bit, at my parents' house, when we announced our this pregnancy, our second baby, the light started flickering in their kitchen and again my dad goes yeah, the lights are flickering and so, uh, it's just so, so special out of this world.
Speaker 1:I never thought I would be communicated with my child through flickering lights, never in a million years. And, of course, if I could have it any other way, it would be different. It would be that he's physically here. But if this is the way I have to communicate with Christopher, it is. It is what it's going to be and I'm going to continue embracing it and and celebrating all these fun flickering lights. And so anytime my husband and I see flickering lights, we go that he's here and our, our friends and family know that and celebrate that with us.
Speaker 1:Another uh lesson I've learned is um, it was actually through meeting with a medium. I met this lovely medium who she also lost her son. He was a teenager when he passed and she's passionate about connecting parents with their children in spirit, their children who have passed. And so I met with her when I was about two months postpartum, two months after Christopher's death, and the thing she told me blew my mind Christopher's death, and the thing she told me blew my mind. And my husband wasn't really into this whole, um, medium ship idea, so he stayed in another room. I actually did it on a zoom call and so I was in the nursery on the zoom call and Michael was in our bedroom, um, just across the hall, and there was a point where he overheard what the medium was saying and he ran into the room and was like, oh, holy shit, that is Christopher.
Speaker 1:And uh, sharon, the medium was talking about how she sees, um, a car. And she's saying do you play some sort of radio game with Christopher? Because he's showing me a radio and something about clicking buttons and listening to the songs and it's a game you play. And that is a game my husband and I started right away after losing Christopher. And it's a radio, it's I call it the radio game and I recommend it to anyone who's lost a loved one where, when you're in the car, you just say, okay, I'm going to change the radio station three times so I don't know what station is going to land on, don't know what song is going to be playing, but whatever song is on or whatever song is going to play next, you decide is from you. And so we say, okay, christopher, get ready, you're going to pick the next song, 123, click three channels. Or if it's a random playlist, click one, two, three. So you don't know what song is going to play next.
Speaker 1:And we say, whether it's hardcore rap, a hardcore rock or obscene rap or a really sad song, it doesn't matter. We listen for the message and it always resonates with us. Or if it's like obscene rap or hardcore rock, it just gives us a good laugh. Because you're like buddy, you're a baby, why are you listening to this stuff? Come on, you should be listening to nurseries, nursery rhymes, and so it makes us laugh and instantly puts us in a better mood. And so when Sharon mentioned that and that was so specific to, that's our game with Christopher right off the bat, that was our game, that we started playing with him immediately after losing him. When she mentioned that, among so many other things, she mentioned so many things that she wouldn't have known otherwise. That also helped me, and Michael really believe that when we play that radio game, it is truly Christopher playing along with us, and so I recommend that game to you If you're looking for a way of like. Where do I start? Um, how do I communicate with my, with my baby or babies who have passed? Well, of course, nurturing your relationship with your, with your children earth side, or your pregnancy, how to find a way to connect with your children earth side, or your pregnancy, how to find a way to connect with your babies that have passed. The radio game is a beautiful way of doing that and that's a game we continue to play and it's consistently awesome, whether it's a song with a really beautiful message.
Speaker 1:I remember, at the six month mark, michael and I went to the hospital to bring some crocheted blankets and like little pods, like how do I explain it? Like a little blanket for babies who are still born very early on in gestation, where a hospital blanket would be too big. And so a lot of people who crochet crochet smaller blankets, smaller cradles that's a good word for it, cradles, not pods make little cradles out of crochet. That way parents can hold their little babies, and so my mom has so graciously made different cradles and blankets of different sizes for stillborn babies who wouldn't be able to wear, let's say, a preemie or a newborn outfit. They would just be too big. So smaller cradles and blankets. And we went to the hospital to ask them which sizes um that we brought. Do you think they'll need more of which? Which colors um would they prefer? Pretty much what does the hospital need so that we can address um any needs that they have to help other parents? And this was at the six month mark.
Speaker 1:And, of course, walking back to the hospital took a lot out of us and I cried when we left. Well, I cried when I got there, but also just leaving the hospital again without a baby. I knew I wasn't going in there to get a baby. I was six months postpartum, not pregnant at all, but just leaving those hospital doors again was so emotional. And when we got back in the car, um, a song was on it's uh, it was called no more tears, no more tears. And the screen in my car glitched, in the sense that normally my car the the screen will show what song is playing now and then, every time the song changes, the screen updates. Well, the screen stopped updating. It just said no more tears, tears, even though other songs were playing.
Speaker 1:After that, and all these other songs were playing, we we went for a drive for maybe an hour just to clear our minds and talk about what we just went through. Going back to the hospital even though it was for a good cause, it was still extremely emotional, and driving around for an hour it had no more tears frozen, stuck on the screen, um and again. Uh, really like that. That's Christopher, my, my car, like the screen, never glitches it in the past. I've had this car for maybe nine years, nine, 10 years. I never glitched, but that day it did, at the six month mark, leaving the hospital again crying no more tears, was stuck on the screen.
Speaker 1:For me there's no other explanation than that. It's just so ironic that it would happen at that day, at that moment, those lyrics frozen on the screen, a sign from Christopher, is all I can say, and I have so many other stories, but I'll scatter them throughout different podcast episodes. Those are just a few, whether it's the flickering lights, the radio game definitely try out the radio game if you haven't already. Um, one last game I like to play, to always be in communication with christopher is to ask for a specific sign, and so I'll say things like okay, christopher, uh, over the next little while, can you send me, um, a yellow butterfly, and that might come in the form of like an emoji someone sends me. It might be a picture I see on Pinterest. It might be an actual yellow butterfly, and that's what happened at the five month mark.
Speaker 1:At the five month mark, my husband and I we went on our honeymoon that we never got to go on due to the pandemic, and so while we were on leave, we said, hey, you know what we need to get out of here. So we took a cruise, a Mediterranean cruise, and on our five month, um, on Christopher's five month birthday, we were walking around the streets of Rome and I had asked him to send a yellow butterfly at some point during the vacation and it was walking the streets of Rome, his five-month birthday this beautiful yellow butterfly comes flying between Michael and I and flies off, and we were in awe like, wow, we asked for this yellow butterfly. It's been. I think we were maybe seven days into the cruise. It was a 10-day cruise, so we were nearing the end of it. Maybe we were halfway through the cruise, and it's not that I was losing hope, I was just hoping I would see this yellow butterfly sooner and so I was just like, okay, eventually I'll see the yellow butterfly, eventually it will come. But then it came on the perfect day, on Christopher's five-month birthday, and I know if he was here physically we would have had, you know, a celebration, at least a photo shoot, right Saying, with a sign that says five months. And so that was our way of celebrating Christopher turning five months with that yellow butterfly. It couldn't have been more perfect. And I almost forgot on the ship and in one of the hotel rooms in Barcelona we were at, the lights flickered at those two places too. We got that on camera. And the cruise ship, the lights flickering, and it happened in Barcelona too, at the hotel. So, like this kid's international at this point which, uh, his signs have crossed borders and, um, yeah, it's just so cool again wild.
Speaker 1:I never thought I'd be making a podcast about pregnancy after loss, never thought I would be talking about my, the signs I received for my stillborn baby, never thought I'd be going down this path. But it's just so hard to deny at this point that there have been so many signs from Christopher and I don't want to see like share all these stories in a way of showing off and saying, look at all the signs I get. I don't mean that at all. It's more to give hope and reassurance that our babies are okay, and I truly believe all of our babies are sending us signs. If that's what we want and if we're not noticing the signs, we just have to.
Speaker 1:Um, I think, do two things one, be more in tune and like sit back almost and try to see when we reflect on our day and go, how did everything work out? How did everything pan out today? Were there any signs that I came across that could have been my baby? And two, asking our baby whether it's asking for a song on the radio or just seeing what song comes up, seeing what message they have for us, or asking for a particular sign or symbol, like the yellow butterfly. I find when I do those kinds of games, it really helps, um, ignite my hope that my baby's still with me, cause I'm not going to lie to you there are moments where I go. It's been a while since I've got a sign. It's been a while since the light flickered. Um, christopher, are you still here? And so I'll ask for a sign and my, I still need that reinsurance, um, that reassurance. And so if you need that reassurance too, hey, I totally understand, that reassurance too, hey, I totally understand. And if you're open to receiving those signs and you ask your baby for them when you play the radio game, for example, I really hope that, um, you receive the signs you need, and I would love to hear about that too. Um, I would absolutely love to hear about that. And so I think this brings us to near the end of today's podcast, where I had a chance to share Christopher's story, share his pregnancy, set the foundation of where I'm coming from, and all of this with this podcast.
Speaker 1:A little bit about my current pregnancy I'm officially 12 weeks now, which I'm so, so relieved to be able to say that I'm nearing the end of the first trimester. Um, anxiety has been high this week. I find my anxiety isn't as high as it was when I was pregnant with Christopher, but I find the day leading up the days, but especially the day leading up to an ultrasound, my anxiety is at an all-time, all-time high, and maybe you find that too. And I'm starting to notice patterns. And what do I do when I'm anxious for me, I clean, which isn't a bad thing, but, like, sometimes I just need to chill out, I clean, I, I um scroll endlessly on my phone. That's a bad habit I have, and I do it when I'm really anxious. It's almost like I'm scrolling to avoid the the thoughts of my mind, and I found I was doing that a lot.
Speaker 1:The day before my 12-week ultrasound, I was terrified of receiving bad news. In fact, I I was really. I was hoping for good news, but I feel like, deep down, I was bracing myself for for the worst news, thinking that it might help less if I already braced myself for it, and maybe you felt like that too. Maybe you felt like that too. Maybe you feel like that too with every ultrasound. Um, one thing I asked for when going into this ultrasound, and I asked for it at the eight week ultrasound both times my request was denied and I really don't understand why. Maybe someone can explain this to me.
Speaker 1:I asked for my husband to be in the room from the very beginning of the appointment and both times our request has been denied and I explained listen, this is a super anxious time for us. He's going to be freaking out in the waiting room I'm going to be crying as you're setting up the ultrasound in another room without him there. And if I get bad news, I do not want to hear it alone. And they're like, oh, we always have just the mom come in first and then we do the measurements, then we'll invite, um, their support person in. It's like, okay, but you're not hearing me and I'm really struggling with am I not advocating enough for myself? Am I being too polite about things and just going, hey, can my husband come in? Instead of saying I need my husband to come in for this reason?
Speaker 1:Um, if you have a good script, a good line that you use to help you, please let me know because, um, I need to figure that out for future appointments. It is, um, it's not a nice way to start the appointment when I ask for something and it gets denied immediately. And maybe it will be different when I'm at MFM maternal fetal medicine with the high risk clinic at the hospital. But in the meantime, I've just been at regular ultrasound clinics and they do not let support people in until they've done the main measurements, which I understand. You know they have to focus to do the main measurements.
Speaker 1:That it's very important, but I think we need some exceptions for us and I don't see that in a way where, like I'm saying, we need special treatment, but also, at the same time, this is very nerve wracking. After you've seen an ultrasound where the baby is still, it's very hard to unsee that, very hard. Um, yeah, after you've seen an ultrasound where there's no heart beating anymore, it's very hard to get another one, no matter how many ultrasounds that have happened since. It just brings you right back. You're lying down the cold jelly on your belly then getting the machine. It just brings back so many emotions every time. Um, and so if anyone has any advice for that, for advocating for yourself at an appointment and asking for your support person to be inside with you right away, I am open to that advice and then I can share that with other moms who ask me about what advice I got from this, because that's something I need to work on.
Speaker 1:After the appointment and we saw that everything was looking good I felt like I was able to breathe a little more not breathe fully. I don't think I'm going to take a full, deep breath until this little baby's earth side. Until then, I felt like and until then, it's little breaths. And so having that 12 week ultrasound and seeing everything looking good and so, having that 12 week ultrasound and seeing everything looking good, it gives me hope that we're on the right track, on the right track. And so, in other words, when it comes to preparing for ultrasounds, something that helped me was identifying what do I do when I'm anxious, and so that was scrolling, scrolling, scrolling and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and trying to break those habits, because none of them were productive. And well, the cleaning was, but none of it was actually helping me feel better. It wasn't. I could clean all day, but if I'm super anxious, I might feel good that my you know kitchen is clean, but inside, like, my emotions weren't addressed, and so that was still lingering in me, and so I think next time I'm gonna try this, we'll see how it goes.
Speaker 1:Leading up to my appointment is talking to someone, whether that be my husband, my mom, a friend, a good friend sharing how I'm feeling, sharing my anxieties, and then focusing on some, like trying to do something else, whether that's crocheting because when I'm crocheting I can't worry about anything else, because I'm such a beginner I have to count every stitch, every chain. I have to count it. I've tried doing Sudoku puzzles leading up to the ultrasound and that actually helped, because during those 15 minutes or 20 minutes I'm just counting numbers one to nine over and over and over again, trying to figure out where each number goes, can't think of anything else, whereas doom scrolling that wasn't helping me. So leading up to my next ultrasound, I'm definitely going to find ways of doing different activities like crushing, like Sudoku puzzles, word searches something that keeps my mind busy, but also addressing how I'm actually feeling by talking, and talking to someone I trust, and so I'm going to try that for my next ultrasound. Please let me know if you have any advice of how you prepare for an ultrasound during your pregnancy, after loss. I would love to hear your ideas and what's working for you or what's not working for you and what you're going to do differently next time and we can start sharing ideas with one another. And I think that concludes today's episode.
Speaker 1:We went over Christopher's story, where I'm coming from. I'm going to talk about a lot of signs, so I hope that's up your episode. We went over Christopher's story, where I'm coming from. I'm going to talk about a lot of signs, so I hope that's up your alley. I hope you're interested in that and, if you are, try the radio game and report back to me please. I really want to hear how that works. Or the sign game, or have you seen flickering lights? I would love to hear all about that. And then, how do you prepare for ultrasounds? What hasn't worked for you and what has worked for you, or what are you going to do differently next time to see if it's going to work? I would love to hear that and we'll talk next time.
Speaker 1:Take care, mamas. You've got this. We've got this. We're doing. We're doing one step at a time. We're doing the best we can, with courage, with hope, and we're getting there. We're one day closer to seeing our babies. Take care of moms. Bye, bye. And that's a wrap for today's episode. I hope it resonated with you. Please subscribe to the podcast so that you can get up-to-date episodes and follow along throughout your pregnancy, week by week. And please join our online community on instagram, where we lift each other up and connect with one another at stillhopeful underscore podcast. Remember, you are strong, you are resilient, you are beautiful and you are going to bring this baby home. I'll catch you next time. Until then, take care.